First stop, Floridaland

2011-11-27T02:47:00.004-05:00

birth story in progress..

So my baby has been out a month, but he was due just a couple of days ago. My husband is deployed, but came home on emergency leave due to the baby being anemic before birth and me needing to get induced before being full term. I was SO blessed to have him here for the birth. (our last two babies were anemic/crazy jaundiced AFTER birth and so I moved to live with my parents for this birth, anticipating that my husband wouldn't be here. He wasn't going to get leave with his 6 month deployment. But we never ever thought the anemia would happen early in my pregnancy)
We found out around 32 weeks that he was anemic in there due to my mean ABO incompatibility. Had an intrauterine blood transfusion at 33 weeks, which he needed pretty bad. And then monitored him closely until the induction during week 35.
I went in at 10pm to get all set up. I decided on the 1/4 pill dose of cytotec on my cervix. I could have chosen cervadil.. but it would have meant 12 hours instead of 4 on the pill. And it's what my natural birth friendly midwives routinely used. I'd heard all the bad stuff. But I trusted them. And it turned out ok.
So, I was 1 cm and a wiggle and delightfully mushy (according to my midwife) at 12 am. I got the cytotec and an hour later on the dot started having really mild contractions. It turns out, he didn't love contractions.. no matter what the source. At least he didn't in the middle of the night. His heartrate was kind of consistently dropping after the contraction was over, which they said had to do with my placenta not recovering well enough from each one. I duno.. but I had to be on oxygen, on my left side, the who shebang. That was all night. But I slept mostly. They were easy peasy when I wasn't worrying about him.. And eventually he chilled out. It was close for a couple of contractions though. Everyone was nervous.
(and I really don't know if those decels were b/c of the cytotec.. my midwife said she would have taken out the cervadil after his heart dropped like that a couple of times. I honestly thought that he just wasn't going to be up for a labor experience, with his anemia and being early. I just figured.. crap.. this isn't going to work at all)
So 7:30 arrives, and I am 3 cm. We start pitocin at a 2. I post on FB..at 7:28 that I was starting Pit. I settle in for the long haul. My last labor took about 18 hours from 3cm to done. That was also a natural birth. At 8:30 I texted my doulas that they could come now, because it was getting pretty tough. (they had been my birth support plan before I knew my hubby was getting emergency leave.) At this point, I was really starting to question if I could handle it. It was still SOO early. My Pit was now at a 3, which I knew wasn't a lot. But mann.. it was getting too intense for the amount of time I had even sort of been in active labor. And I got off the tethered monitors and onto the mobile ones. I sat on the birth ball. I tried to go poop in the toilet.. since I didn't want to poop while pushing. We had a LOT to eat the night before, b/c I thought I'd have a 2 day induction ahead of me.
I told my husband I just didn't think I could do it this time. How did I do it last time?? and for 18 hours? about 6 of which were between 8 and 10 cm? I really couldn't handle these contractions. And I aske my nurse to check me..and was it the pitocin that was making me feel like this? She said.. yeah.. it is. She was such a natural birth cheerleader though and had been with me at a lot of the NSTs leading up to the induction.
Thankfully, the baby was handling these contractions like a champ. What a relief. But I didn't have much time to think about it.
So, anyway, my nurse checks me. I'm just.. really not handling things well at that point. I know I can't last through much more of these contractions.. And I'm about to wimp out and get an epidural. She checks me...and I'm a "good 6 to 7" whhaaaat??? It's been just an hour and some change since I was 3 cm and thinking.. "ehh..let's get this going" .. seriously..? I did NOT believe her BECAUSE she is so pro natural birth, haha. I thought she was lying and I never anticipated that I would be more than about a 5 at that point, IF I was lucky. So.. I suck it up a little and get through a couple more contractions. (btw, NO bloody show, NO mucus plug, nothing funny coming out of my vagina...) And then I tell that nurse she's got to get the midwife to check me. Well, i think it was more of a teary eyed plea.. I'm about to go labor in the shower and am on the toilet when the midwife comes in. Shower is running. and the drainage is bad so my hubby and the nurse are putting towels on the floor to keep it in the designated shower area. And she gets down on my level in front of me and helps me focus through a couple of contractions. They disconnect the pit, which was just at a 4. And my midwife says I'm pushing/grunting.. and that I'm not going to be able to go to the shower. So I get on the bed and she checks me.. ----- 10 cm----- No WAY.
The NICU team comes in. I don't feel pushy much. just in shock. I feel pretty good actually. I mean, it was intense. And I felt like I couldn't do it, but part of that was because I was anticipating HOURS of contractions that felt that awful. And I actually felt like I was FOOLING everyone and that I wasn't really at 10cm. I was faking it or something. But you can't fake a baby coming out I guess ;)
So I push a couple of times, on the bed..nothing fancy. And he's out! 9:19 am. 6lbs 6oz. No breathing problems. That all took less than 2 hours of pitocin. I had been very nervous that my body would fight the induction, since it was SO early. But baby, uterus, cervix, all of it,.... they all knew he needed to come out. And I'm so thankful. I feel like I earned it from my hellishly long last delivery.
We did stay there for 7 days. And he's had a transfusion since getting out. And my antibodies are still getting at him, so he might need another. But overall, no complaints. It's a good way to finish my baby making career anyway.
So. what did I do to help cope and facilitate cervical door opening?? I listened to some rocker chick lullaby album she made for her kids. I chewed gum to keep my faced relaxed. I did not fight my contractions like last time. I really tried to loosen my kegal floor muscles.. "basement...basement" during contractions, especially the early ones. And.. well that's about all I had time for ;) haha. I didn't even have time to labor in the huge birth tub...
I would be so jealous of me if I wasn't me! Seriously though. I feel lucky all around. If we hadn't caught that anemia, he might not have made it to full term. God and life and serendipity are amazing sometimes.

There is a baby in my belly

2011-09-29T00:43:00.001-04:00

and this child in my stomach moves and pushes and bangs around in there. It's such an amazing thing to feel and see and experience. But i have been heavily distracted this pregnancy. I keep forgetting about this baby boy ...until i have to bend over and pick up another piece of food or toy or sock or diaper or towel or ... oh goodness, this list will not end by itself. i'll just say.. i am physically reminded more often than mentally reminded. It's just that it's kind of hard to focus on me. I think about John all of the time. I think about the kids almost as much. I'm not saying I don't do things for me. I guess i do.... hmm. I dunno. like.. i got a pedicure a while back. which reminds me i really need to lotion my feet and sleep in socks. That has been on my to-do list for a really long time. and my heels hate me for being such a slacker. I'm really serious. my feet..oh i do love my feet. But they are so dry and cracky and not attractive. That should be my homecoming present for John. smooth girly feet.

I took some family photos for my friend last week. And there were footsie pictures. And her feet are so pretty! Are you reading Nicole? I am in awe. Something is wrong with my genes or maybe just something is very right with yours ;)

So the deployment. How is that going. It's pretty good. I'm past my really dumpy first weeks. It was hard. But hardest the first few days. It's a good feeling to love and be loved as much as I've been reminded we do. I will say that about separation. I will appreciate him more. I will cherish the smell of his neck when we hug and the feel of his cheek when i kiss it. It's good to look forward to these things. even though it makes me weepy a little. On his end, I think/hope he's ok. I mean.. he's safe and ok. I'm talking about his heart and mind. I know he's fine that way as well. But we have very different life perspectives and priorities at the moment. I have such limited snippets of him. I only see him from his bunk. I wish i could be there and experience the sights and sounds and smells. And the worries and concerns. And the adventures that come with a foreign culture. It makes me so happy to see him tagged on FB or to see his pictures. I feel like i deserve to be there too! I want to share all of it with him.

Childbirth preparation: well i just bought hypnobabies. Here's to zoning out during contractions and not feeling a darn thing! clink. I've got a couple of doulas. different personalities. Different strengths. I have some really mellow hippie christian music on my computer/ipod. I need to arrange that and burn a cd or something. my ipod will be just for video chatting when the time comes. I feel like i've been putting off preparing! but not because i don't want to. there just doesn't seem to be the time. like right now. this night is an anomaly. Kassidy is sleeping in her crib before midnight. And i'm blogging. because i've neglected it. also i've neglected my online real estate class that "expires" in a couple of months. and i really must finish that. So i was doing that right before i started blogging.

kindle~~~ ooooooh goodness. I love my kindle app. seriously.. love it like a chocolate chip cookie. i'm reading end of civilization books again. and it's so fun. but it's hard for me to put a book down. especially at night. isn't it so bad that i can't put off the instant gratification of reading until it's over--even at 2 in the morning. It's killing my daytimeyness.

ok. back to the real estate stuff. i think i could do two units tonight.. as long as kassidy stays asleep!

Scout camping with Noah this weekend~!~!~! eeee~!~!~ Kassidy is going to have boob withdrawals..but she'll be ok for a night.

This stroller must be too good to be true right?

2011-08-17T17:29:00.002-04:00

I'm on a stroller hunt. And this seems like a good one. compact..double..lightweight. Gosh is it true? I just wish it had more of a jogging stroller feel to it. I'd probably be drooling then. But hey.. what can you do. Can't have everything right? I think I might get this. or win it. Or just drool at it for a few weeks before making up my mind. But I'll have a newborn and an 18 month old. seems like a good option. and it's not TOO expensive. Is this it?......the one....
www.kinderwagon.com/

I also found a cool blog that's doing a giveaway. Giveaway to me please!! Friends reading: do not enter.. haha.. I repeat. It's mine for the winning! www.babyguygearguide.com/i-defy-you-doors

I told John that I'm hoping to make a few photography bucks to pay for my dream double stroller, whatever that may be. I feel bad using HIS money for something costlier than we would normally buy. I know it's really OUR money. But HE'S working pretty hard for it these days. So am I. But really.. I'm not the one wearing kevlar.

Love knows not its own strength until the hour of separation. *quote not by me

2011-08-06T03:39:00.008-04:00

We had a couple of days together. We played house for one night, we played apartment the next. Maybe it was better that the 3 bedroom temporary lodging was booked after that first night. Because it's hard to be so sad and lonely in a one bedroom apartment with 2 kids.

I want to write about how it felt to let him go. It's like.. a bandage ripping off, a second time, and hurting worse than the reason it was there in the first place. We had spent 5 weeks apart, trying to adjust..wanting it over fast. I distracted myself with packing, moving, stressing, traveling, getting to my parents' house, then traveling to see his parents, trying to square away some doula support. I started to "play house" a little here in Louisiana. All the while, looking forward with sweet anticipation to our meeting again after his training. And it was a good two days. A little weird..knowing you have only 2 nights together. 2 nights and about 2 days to make the most of every second without feeling like you're making the most of every second. You want it to be natural, easy, fun. And it mostly was.

We waited for what must have been 30 minutes for him to descend the escalator through the giant glass windows at that quaint Florida airport. The flight was late, a crowd had accumulated to greet the passengers. Every uniform..and there were a lot.. would bring on a tightening in my chest. But he didn't come until literally the very end. There were a lot of military folks on that flight. A lot of guys from his training. A couple of people returning from a deployment, being met by representatives from the base nearby. I guess they weren't married or were too far from home to be greeted by family. Everyone waiting around applauded for a bit. But I did so with a touch of bitterness and jealousy. And when John appeared at the top of those rolling steps I wasn't even sure it was him.. he walked like him. wore clothes like him. different hair? different something. And this was only 5 weeks. We watched him and waved as he made the descent and exited the secure area. We all hugged and I teared up. I wasn't going to cry! We shared a kiss. And sweet Kassidy realized who he was and protested that she was in my arms, fussing and reaching for him. He scooped her to him and she immediately laid her head on his shoulder, and kept it there. I didn't know or expect she would react quite like that. It was one of those simple, normal, beautiful things. It meant so much to him and me. I felt a few eyes on us, probably thinking he was back from some huge absence. And I wished it was that moment, I almost pretended it was that moment.

Sharing meals and snacks and car rides as a family unit. Swimming in the gulf and eating at a fancy place. Ordering pizza, indulging in a 6-year-old birthday ice cream treat. Him feeling the baby kick for the first and only time. Savoring every cuddle, every kiss-and-more moment. Not one of those things was enough. Every one with a lingering thought, unspoken fear, dreading the big goodbye. But it was worth the pain of separation. To see and touch and experience our cohesion again. Talking and dreaming about the future us, the one after this temporary divide.

Temporary. That's the thing. Nothing is temporary until it's over and done with and its reality can begin to fade from the front of your brain. So -this- this is now. This is real and not done. And fresher than grass grown too tall. And that hurts.

We didn't walk with him to the group casually waiting around, ABU jackets off. Looking relaxed and carefree. This wasn't some big family event with banners and flags and bands, it was just one stop on his journey there. So the few family farewells were spotty and private. We said our goodbye in the parking lot. It was a long time coming on that day. We did get some extra time by being his chauffeur, instead of the big sterile white bus that carted around most of the others. We had our last meal at the base exchange. a mini-mall. It was sweet and so normal feeling. So was the big goodbye actually. There was no drama..just some welling of tears and a non-chalant kid adios. It didn't feel real but the front seat emptied. And it is and will be for a while. And that also hurts.

It was in the few hours between goodbye and his flight taking off that I went a little bananas. My husband, my friend, my heart and my partner. He was across the highway, no doubt being relaxed and carefree as the others I'd seen, and that's how I wanted him. There was no one stopping me from going back and seeing him. It was just HIS time now. A couple of briefings and waiting for the plane. But during what was now MY time, it was all I could do to stop myself from following my weak and history-proven desire to know more, do more, take more, see more. It's just like me to find a parking place just in sight of that building and watch and stalk. Part of me wanted to do that, pain and all. But I didn't. I had to be strong right? But I don't know how strong I was sobbing and pushing the kids in those swings as the sun began to set through the salty tall pines. He was still there to see that sun and feel that heat and swat a mosquito or two. He was so close but already gone. And my deep reaction to that would sneak up on me and escape from my chest. The emotions that run through you are frightening. and a bit uncontrollable. I just felt so weak for being so crushed when this isn't even the worst kind of deployment. I would try to be together and a random thought would trigger that letdown. Yes..like breastfeeding. Thank goodness for portable dvd players and entranced 6-year-old boys and 13-month-old girls who aren't big enough to quite get it.

Later as we hung out in our tiny home for the night, I heard a plane take off. A big plane. A delightful excitement, a jolting and out-of-place feeling. I ran to the door and knew it was his plane. Surprisingly close, low and turning. In the humid dark, I felt a connection to it. It had to be his. The only one on a weekend night at this sleepy fighter jet base. It banked sharply and headed north. It was almost like I could really say goodbye. And really let go. I wished he could know that I was watching his flashing little red jet-plane lights as it faded and grew small in the distance. Gone. Really gone. And the emotions still strong and biting had gained a little room to breath. A little recovery from the tarry, heavy misery that they had been seeped in all afternoon. I said goodbye and waited to begin the long slow way back home.
And it had to begin here.

ok.. having a real boohoo moment

2011-08-05T14:07:00.000-04:00

I haven't talked to John for 24 hours. And I absolutely hate it and it breaks my heart.

Comforting things: He's arrived safely to his base/camp. They have coffee and wifi and a few amenities including shade trees. He's surely really busy getting squared away with his job and internet connection and sleeping arrangements, etc.

Not comforting things: He has access to wifi.. he can just go hop in with his ipod touch and send me a short message if he just walks close enough, right? His classmate is there and I'm friends with the guy's wife on FB. She wrote about how they skyped today.. and that bummed me out more than I can even express. Our husbands are at the same place, kind of in the same field, probably lodging in the same bunk room, and was sitting next to mine when we briefly video chatted on the free wifi (which was bad quality, btw, but I got to see his face. And it made yesterday SO much better than the days before.

Whining, yes I'm whining. And Crying. But I can't help it at all. I miss him so much and need him so much. This is really hard. And could be better with just the tiniest bits of contact here and there. How do people do this... b/c I'm not quite sure how I am going to. I guess it's just one day at a time. But on a day like today the pain is immense..it is so heavy.

Change is coming round real soon.

2011-05-25T11:17:00.001-04:00

Make us women and men.

Alright. Must-start-blogging-again.

So change. Yes change changey change. I'm leaving my sweet sunny warm salty Florida for a while. John is going around the world, courtesy of Uncle Sam. He'll be gone for the rest of the year..missing the new baby's birth.
Soo.. I'm heading to Louisiana to set up a home within a home with my mom and dad. It's a great chance to spend quality time with them. A great chance to reconnect with old friends..and I'm pretty excited about that. Did I mention.. crawfish?? yes. yes. crawfish. I guess it makes the sky bluer..grass greener.

I think the biggest challenge for me will be not worrying about John, having faith and trust that he's ok and going to be ok. He's not doing any kind of Rambo job. But when you think "war" you think of all the bad things that come with it.
The next biggest challenge, having a baby without its co-creater. SUCKS. I guess I'll get to cut the cord myself? maybe.

Big sigh. Big tears once in a while.

I want to eat like a caveman....

2011-02-16T15:31:00.000-05:00

But I sure do love poptarts...

I recently discovered this huge world of Paleo cooking and eating. It's like.. from the paleolithic period. So meat and fruit and stuff.

That's all :) Diaper duty.

It's been way too long!

2011-01-30T00:24:00.000-05:00

Quick Update. Kassidy is 7 months! Noah can walk our dog and keep a tight grip on the leash. John is a Captain. I'm a photographer. Ah.. rolling rolling along.

www.calligillyphotography.com is up and running. But my laptop isn't! And John's laptop's card reader doesn't work. So my photography is on hold until we get our tax return and buy......an iiiiiiiiiMac. SO pumped about this.

I am getting more and more drawn to the world of natural (or even just really educated) birth. I want to teach childbirth classes. I want to be a doula. I want to have another baby. The thought of being a midwife crossed my mind too. But I think I'll leave that to the 40 year old me. I'm really not there yet. Ask me in 11 years.

I'm so excited that friends of mine are interested in and accomplishing natural birth. I can't explain my new passion for this. I think because it's sort of the underdog in our society. And because it's so good and makes so much sense. Even though I had a wonderful birth with Kassidy, if I get pregnant again, I definitely know what I want to improve upon.

Ooh, I think I want a catering business too..one day. Gosh are there enough years in a life for all the things I want to do?

What an IDIOT!! Me. I'm the dummy.

2010-10-15T09:43:00.001-04:00

So, well first, I'm so so excited about my new photography venture. I guess it's been a long time coming. Maybe since my mom took all those yearbook pictures back in elementary school. But it was always on my life To Do list. And I'm finally doing it! But here's where the dodo brain comes in. I have been so busy taking and editing pictures, and mothering and sort of laundering and wifetizing...and all that.. that my free time has been reduced to after 9pm. What do I do in my free time? Well lately I've been trying to get a website together and editing pictures. Let me tell you what a bad idea is. Being sleep deprived and buying a domain name after 12am. Seriously. What was I thinking. So instead of CalligillyPhotography.com, it's missing a P at the end of photography!!!! yes. Go to www.calligillyphotograhy.com and you will see my simple welcome message telling you I don't know squat about putting a website together. But I will. So I'm trying to exchange my domain. The funny thing is I've been running around for a week so excited to own my domain! And I just hadn't had a chance to go set up anything until last night.

Anywho. So the picture taking gig is FUN. I love it. I forgot how much I really loved photography. In college I wrote and took photos for the newspaper and yearbook at my small college. Took a b&w class, where we developed our own film and prints. Fun. And I did two internships. One photo documenting an 18th century cemetery for the National Center for Preservation Technology and Training. (fancy I know!) And the other an unpaid internship at the Shreveport Times. I probably learned the most at the paper. After we moved to Houston and I started teaching, I got a job at a tiny charter high school. There I taught English, yearbook, journalism and photography. Yes it was crazy. No, I don't feel like I did a great enough job. But hopefully it was ok.

So fast forward to now. I have my first fancy camera. Nikon D60. And I have some pretty darn inspirational friends in various parts of the country who have taken their photography and made something out of it. If they can do it, so can I. And I'm just doing free shoots at the moment to build my portfolio and refresh my skills. I need to start charging though, so I can buy a computer without line down the middle of the screen and a missing P button. Maybe that's also why I probably didn't catch my mistake. It's actually pretty hilarious. And a service person from godaddy.com CALLED me to talk about web hosting stuff. And he never asked me if I meant to write it like that.. jerk. :) but it's my fault.

Ok..photography fairy godmother. I want a big iMac, a telephoto lens, a light meter, a sweet camera bag backpack, a babysitter, clients, photoshop (currently using cousin paintshop pro), and a 4th bedroom for sewing and editing and possibly a home studio space. ok.. can we do that for Christmas?

So.. my biggest issue right now is that when I lighten up a dark photo from a low light situation, the image gets all chunky pixeled. At least I THINK that's my issue. Maybe the one above. Def the one below. ok.. i don't know why that's vertical. Oh website how thou taunts me.

Birth Story. Finally :) talk of gooey personal stuff, fyi

2010-08-18T18:24:00.011-04:00

Minutes after birth

Well it's been 2 whole months since our baby girl was born.

Today in the bumbo

The first couple of weeks were terribly difficult. Just one of the hardest things to go through. She was whisked away from the hospital where I delivered her just a few hours before she turned a day old. She had ABO incompatibility and likely has hereditary spherocytosis. I don't think Wikipedia is the creme de la creme, but that's quick info if you are so inclined to look it up :)

~She was born at 41 weeks and 6 days, weighing 7 lbs and 9 oz. I hope that giving her those extra couple of weeks to cook helped her liver develop more, thereby helping her process the copious amounts of bilirubin caused by the ABO incompatibility and spherocytes. Immature livers are one reason newborns so often struggle with jaundice~

Here's my birth story, and I'm stickin' to it.

My due date came and went.

40 weeks I think

And my anxiety about being pushed toward an induction increased. On my due date, I was asked to go to a Non Stress Test and fluid check ultrasound. The results were fine, but my experience was NOT. Everyone at the hospital expected me to stay and be induced! Acted like I wouldn't even have a choice... IF things with the baby looked ok. IF if was ok with my docter. Debbie Downers, all. I didn't enjoy it. Thankfully John had gone with me to the appointment. We kept each other sane and our tempers in check. I don't have one, but that day, the medical community was making me mad.

41 weeks

Another week passed. At my 41 week check up I asked the doctor to do a membrane strip/sweep. It really wasn't too bad. I was 2 cm and effaced a little. We told her our concerns about the hospital testing experience the week before. I went again for another round of tests. Everything still looked good. I wasn't contracting really. And the staff said NOTHING about the "I" word, as they were instructed by my doctor :) A cool nurse told us that. This was a Wednesday. We asked to come back in on Monday to check progress, if I hadn't already had the baby, instead of waiting til 42 weeks on the dot. I would have wanted another membrane sweep at the next check up. We went home and on with our lives. I started losing my mucus plug after the membrane sweep. YAY! I really thought it could start happening any time! But it didn't! haha.. I mean.. I was having some random contractions, but nothing regular. And I was still losing my mucus plug. What a gross term. It should be something like.... jellygoo cork of life.

On Sunday I started having some pretty regular contractions! They weren't bad. They weren't close. But they were consistent. About 20 minutes apart. That night I went for a super long walk. It was finally time to have the baby, and I knew for sure around 5 am when I woke up yet again from a contraction. I started having bloody show! I was so excited. Because we were planning on going for our check up but also because we had decided/resigned ourselves to getting things started artificially, by breaking my water. (It was hard to come to that decision--water breakage vs. pitocin. But I knew I wanted to maintain my mobility at all costs) I was 41 weeks and 5 days. I went in that morning to get checked, and I was 4 cm and 90% effaced. What a relief! My contractions were 10 minutes apart and painful. I was in early labor..almost active. early active labor I guess. So the doc said just go take a walk and mosey to L&D when I wanted. We went and grabbed a big breakfast from the cafeteria and walked out behind the hospital to a riverside dock with picnic tables. It was about 9 a.m.

I was having to stop and breath during these contractions, but they were ok. We called our doula Laura, who was working at a restaurant. I am so so SO glad we got a doula, that we got Laura. Having her there to root for me and comfort me and help my self confidence was so wonderful.

When we checked in, we found out we got the deluxe birth suite, the only one with a bathtub. a big one at that. yessss. In thinking back on things, I wondered if I should have gone home until the contractions got really really tough. But had we done that, this wonderful room might not have been available. And I'm very grateful we had it.

no sweat ;-)

Got settled in and our awesome doula later posted my short and sweet birth plan on the door. Got a saline lock only. The nurse was happy about that b/c had I needed it later in labor, it would have been really hard to get one in. I didn't loathe the saline lock, but I wouldn't do it again just to make it easier on the staff. It was pretty uncomfortable. The contractions were coming about every 5 minutes by 10 or 11 am. And it was really pretty easy to labor through them. And I did. and walked the halls..and sat on the birth ball (which i ended up HATING)...and walked and swayed and labored..never got in bed except to be intermittently monitored.. And got checked around noon to find I was still just 5 cm. BOO. But I never had any pressure from the staff or my doc to augment labor in any way. Awesome. So I kept at it. I was monitored every hour for about 20 minutes. The baby was doing great. I snacked when I wanted and drank when and what I felt like.

Laura talking me through it

Hours passed and things started getting really tough around 7 cm, which was about 5 p.m. I got in the tub around then. Bliss..

What a wonderful presence for me

..well as blissful as contractions can be :) They actually slowed down in the tub.

I figured labor would get really fast at that point, around 7 cm, because it's supposed to go quickly through transition. But it did NOT. It was 5 pm and then 8pm and then 10pm and I was progressing SO slowly. I remember in the tub, the 2nd time, I was still wanting to joke around a little between contractions, but I wouldn't let myself. I wanted John and Laura to think I was really in transition! If you think it, it will be...? :)

It was after 10 p.m. and I was 8 cm when I asked them to break my water. I was so desperate to get things DONE with. And there was a little meconium. Now add that to my worries. I was in so much pain by this point. I was sort of disappointed in my labor. It wasn't textbook like I thought it should be. I wasn't having the poised disposition that I had mentally tried to shape myself for. I was very vocal and sad at times. The funniest thing to me in retrospect is that I was really grrrring and low moaning a lot. Like singing. I had a couple moments where I thought it sounded pretty---wayy way in the back of my mind. Oh yeah and the horse lips sound! I heard it helped, haha and maybe it did. But that is a pretty funny hodgepodge of noises going on. Wish I'd videoed some of it.

I wanted it to be OVER, but it was so slow. It gets really hazy here. At some point after peeing or something, I ended up with no hospital gown on.. just my comfy nursing bra. I seriously lost almost all inhibitions, which I didn't think I'd do. I labored on all fours and standing and everything but on my back. They really followed my birth plan to a T. Including keeping cervical checks to a minimum. I actually had to ask them to check. I finally got to 9ish cm and had a puffy portion of cervix. The nurse had me lay on the bed and manually worked on it for a while. painful! but really at that point *everything* was pain. (But pain with a purpose, ra ra ra.--that's me being a cheerleader) Finally she fixed it! Yay the body mechanic. And I could push when I felt like it. Completely dilated at 1:50 a.m.

I was confused about the pushy feeling. It just felt awful, and I wasn't sure if that meant push. So I tried to push some. And the more I did, the more I HAD to. And that's when I got really grrrowly! It was such a powerful urge and it was like I couldn't stop to take a breath.. And no one coached me on pushing, except they did suggest that I lay flat on my side, which was weird to me. But I totally didn't care. So that's what I did and pushed with all my might, which my body was kind of forcing me to do.. And it was such a mental relief to be DOING something instead of just WAITING for something. I pushed for about 15 minutes. I suddenly felt like I was about to push 4 hemorrhoids out of my butt! Seriously, I envisioned 4. And something kind of "gave" and I said "Oh God what is that, hemorrhoids??" and the nurse freaked out and yelled to get the doctor. It was the baby's head and she was crowning! My doula put the mirror up so I could see. The nurse told me not to push I think, but I was like..oh no ma'am. I think I might have laughed at that. And I pushed and my doctor, who was just out in the hall, came right in and got the baby's head and I pushed again and out she came! 2:06 a.m. I got to see it too! How amazing.

fresh out the oven!

Because of the meconium, the respiratory crew was there. John cut the cord, what a champ. He was iffy about that prior to labor. I hardly noticed the placenta. I felt like a million dollars after she was born.

This is me being a million bucks :)

However, one of the first things I said was that I would NEVER do that again! We would adopt instead.

In retrospect, I feel like my brain was driving my natural birth and not my heart. But I did it. I think it might have been beneficial to my progress if I had gotten an epidural around 7 or 8 cm. (But at the time I figured it would be over soon a not worth the trouble/time for a bag of fluids.) Maybe I was really tense..like too tense for my own good. Well, scratch that, I WAS. But i think the labor was all worth it to know how to push. And to be able to immediately stand up while they changed my bloody bedding. I made quite a mess. I had NO swelling and no tearing. What a blessing b/c I walked and walked that week when Kassidy was in the hospital. And wouldn't have survived if I had to deal with tears or hemorrhoids (which were just a figment of my imagination) or stitches or even swelling. I did feel like I'd been hit by a mac truck or run a marathon. But I walked it off through the week. It was a good reminder of the awesome dramatic event I had just gone through, survived, conquered.

Looking at John, being amazed

I don't regret my natural birth experience at all, but I was kinda CRAZY for doing it :) :) Immediately after, I felt like people were insane to even have babies. I felt like I wouldn't want to be a doula. I thought I'd never want to birth more kids. I mean, I seriously felt that way. John said it was so hard to watch me go through that and not be able to help. And help from him is what I wanted! I remember looking at him from the tub, giving him the biggest puppy dog eyes he'll probably ever see from me. I almost believed that he had some magic button that would make it all stop. I got to a point where I knew it was completely out of my control, with tears streaming down my face. It was a hard emotional realization that the physical process had to be finished, on its own schedule. I was at the mercy of my own body. It was so incredibly intense. And also so very empowering.

As the days and weeks passed, the rawness of childbirth faded in my mind. It is truly amazing to experience it naturally. And powerful and overwhelming at the end. But I would do it again. And I do encourage others to do it. I think Kassidy's birth was unusually long from 7 cm to the end, which was super rough. But I felt like I was doing her and me a favor by going without drugs. It was important to me to give her an optimal start. I think I did.

I finally see you!

haha..joke's on me

2010-06-10T17:47:00.000-04:00

I really didn't think I'd go past 40 weeks. But alas..here I am. It's not so bad really. I mean.. it's really kind of like a joke. First there was the breech scare. And then the "what if's" about going over and facing an induction. Now I'm there. I sure hope I go into labor soon. I'm 41 weeks. I don't feel comfortable going further than 42. So I would get some "help" next week. Dang it. Either pitocin or just water breaking. Leaning toward water breaking. At least I could maintain my mobility with that one. I can't possibly have a slow labor on the brink of 42 weeks right? right? That would be another funny joke. ah~!~!~
I mowed the grass today. Installed the baby seat too. I painted the baby's room 2 days ago. Needs retouching. and it wasn't ceiling to floor. Must take picture. I'm SO bad about putting pics in my blog.

ok that's it. When the sun goes down some more I'm going on another looong walk.

Oh my nest.

2010-05-24T15:33:00.003-04:00

Oh my nest please be soft and free of pet hair and dust.

I really don't have much time left now. A couple of weeks max probably less. I keep asking the moon for favors.

I am actually having contractions here and there. Not sure if they are real and mild or uncomfortable braxton hicks. Either way, hope things are warming up down there.

Since I'm hoping to have a natural birth, I'm reading up on natural birth stories. John and I took a fabulous five week birth class and even got a doula! She's only in training, not certified yet. But that means she's free instead of $400! If I can pull this off, I'm seriously going to consider becoming a doula. Oh of course I'm trying to think of something really nice to buy her or give her or something. She's 2 years younger than us and hoping to go to midwifery school in the fall.

It's hard to believe that it could be any day now. I'm hoping to not go past my due date. And hoping if I do, I don't start getting induction anxiety.

32 weeks!

2010-04-08T13:03:00.002-04:00

8 weeks to go! I can't believe it's really getting close. I'm starting my birth classes tonight, and that should be really fun. We have to bring 2 pillows for practicing stuff. Fun :) :) I didn't do anything like this with Noah. I had to get a babysitter for Noah :/ The most uncool thing about that is I don't feel like we have a babysitter. I mean, we don't. A girl who works at Noah's school as a floater is coming to watch him.... for like $9/hour. Ow~ I need a high schooler. Looking into that for next week. The class is $50 but we get the military rate, which is half off. So the sitter will cost more than the class! arg.

Noah's kindergarten orientation is next week!! I'm really not sad about it, about him getting bigger and growing up. I think he'll do fine. I will be following the bus a little bit though :) And driving him a couple times too. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in the beginning?

I have so much stuff for our baby girl! Can't believe it. A ton of clothes thanks to friends and family. Lots of gear I've found at consignment and garage sales and craigslist. I think everything is all set! I do need to get some artsy fartsy inspiration and paint the room. But not full wall, just the middle chunk. Should be fun and muralish.

I got a sewing machine!! And here's what I want to make: a few cloth diapers, cloth wipes, diaper soakers, a mai tei/mei tai wrap, a ring sling, a diaper bad, clothes, nursing covers, etc. I started out sewing a lot when it came in. But then I got sick and then John's dad came in town for a visit. So it's about time to dive in again and get a game plan for my projects. I really want to make a few things as gifts for other moms I'm friends with. Send me some sewing mojo! I ended up getting the Brother csi6000. Something like that. I think that's one too many letters.

Baby girl is baby Kassidy. I do really like this name, but I might always call her Magnolia :) My nickname. I do what I WAWNT ;) (Isn't that from a movie?) No leads on a middle name. But John has some specific criteria. I think it's pretty funny that he's SO picky about a name! I mean, he's been really ...uninterested.. in a lot of other things. Not in a bad way, just like.. he doesn't have much say in the stuff I'm getting for her, like diapers and pacifiers and clothes. He's very proud of my thriftiness, but he just hasn't had too much input---until the NAME. But it's fine with me. Oh yes, his criteria.... the initials have to be something that could stand alone. But we did this for Noah (ND: Noah Daniel, Indy) But we never ever have called him by his initials. So for Kassidy, it can be: KC, KD, KT (the latter 2 sound like Kady/Katy) ..oh that's it, haha. Not too many choices! We'll figure it out.

My house is clean My house is clean My house is clean!!!! I didn't know this was even possible. I mean... this is the best it's ever been. I think John and I almost needed counseling on the day we got it all done, ahh!!! This was the day John's dad was driving the last leg of his journey from Louisiana. Stressful. We have very different cleaning styles. And we were internally blaming each other for the ridiculous messes. I could see it in his eyes. But it's truly both our faults. I think we just don't notice our own messes as much. So I'm going to start leaving all his messes on his side of the bed, instead of picking them up ;)
I'm hoping that we keep it looking good! I want to feel comfortable inviting people over.. and not sick to my stomach about what needs to be done. We still have things here and there. A few boxes of random stuff. But the "bones" of a clean and tidy house are in place. It'll just take maintaining. Prayers and clean house mojo welcome.

My pregnancy is going well. I'm gaining about 2 lbs every two weeks. I'm not craving stuff really. Nothing is swelling up yet. My one concern is that I think she is head up right now. And I WAS getting kicked up high. Now I feel like my cervix is going to get knocked out of my body when she starts doing her thing. I know there is still plenty of time. But I don't want to worry about it and how this might affect my goal of laboring naturally. Noah was breech at 36 weeks but had flipped by the time I was induced. So I KNOW it's too early to be concerned. It's still on my mind though.

So I did get sick. And Noah and I are butting heads.

2010-02-23T10:32:00.005-05:00

I think this awful cold is finally going away. But grrrr. I hate it. Go away faster!

Noah is 14. No. Not really. But he acts like it. Or maybe he's really acting 4, and I'm 14. Can't tell! But it's not fun. He's acting not independent about things like putting his shoes and socks on. I know he can do it! But some socks are harder ..so I cut him some slack. But he's so stubborn. (guess what, so am i) He literally sat and cried/whined for 30 minutes on the patio. He wanted to walk in the grass, but I was weeding and worried about snakes. So flip flops wouldn't be ok. He had to put his tennis shoes on. So he sits on a chair, puts one sock on upside down and completely gives up. 30 minutes. Then he talks back too. Man. maybe I'm just bothered by that stuff more right now, being sick and pregnant. He's a good kid. But I have those moments when I doubt my parenting because of his attitude and behavior. Then he can be so sweet too!

I sewed a cloth diaper. I haven't tested it with water yet. nervous. :) I want to sew things!! I need a big cool machine. I mean.. less that $150.

Cloth Diapers!~!~!~!~

2010-02-17T10:22:00.002-05:00

Oh goodness. I sure hope I like them. I've been ordering a couple here and there from ebay, on sale at cd online stores, diapers.com, amazon, etc. I also want to look into making them. Must-walk-to-sewing-machine-and-take-out-of-box. That's my little garage sale find. cheap little machine. The main reason I want to cloth diaper is saving money. Although saving the earth is nice too. And man.. it's a lot of saved landfill space. I just look back at HOW MUCH MONEY and HOW MANY DIAPERS Noah has gone through. Even still.. we do pull ups at night. So it's still going! ah! It takes a big commitment. But I'm staying home.. so I just have to roll up my sleeves and do it. And they are soo cute. so so cute.

This baby girl in my belly is still not named! Cassidy.. Camelia.. something. we'll figure it out. We went camping this past weekend, and I really thought we'd have some baby name talking time. But.. John got SICK. It was literally freezing outside. The camper turned out to be tiny. too tiny. I actually cried the first night. But that's because we couldn't figure out the heater. The campground had no hookups. Yes.. very basic. Just a parking place and fire pit..haha.. so.. The first night we all cuddled together for warmth. And John was coughing all over us. So.. I'm officially getting an itchy throat. I think Noah is too... :( Oh well. John didn't have a fever so hopefully it will just run its course and be gone. He also got a heck of a sty(sp?) in his eye. Sort of a messy weekend! Anyway.. Not much baby name book reading.

I think I have everything I need for the baby. Except a changing table. We had one with Noah but in the years since it got pretty roughed up..and is no longer with us. So I'm hoping to snag one at an upcoming consignment sale. A small one. Since we have just a small space available for it to reside in. I've been having a few braxton hicks contractions. And this is about the time I started having them with Noah. Ah!!!! I'm 25 weeks today!!! wow.. I'm having a baby. crazy.

oh poo i hate getting sick. I've been terribly lucky though. This is the first time my whole pregnancy.

Well it didn't feel like a near-death experience...until a day later.

2010-01-24T07:52:00.005-05:00

And you know, maybe it wasn't, because the tornado was the weakest kind. But had it been a little stronger and my windows a little weaker...

From the beginning. (Where else can I shamlessly detail my harrowing experience?)
Friday, Januay 22, 2010.

John left really really early that morning. He had an awards breakfast to go to for the base. And his team won something! And they beat out the guys that launch rockets. The details of the victory were sort of lost in translation though. The next time I saw him, we were very preoccupied. So he was out the door by 7 am. I had to let our dog out for a bathroom break, and I noticed for the first time that it was raining. And that actually surprised me because it was so light I couldn't hear it from inside. All our blinds were shut unusually tight, or I would have seen the dousing. And the plants sure needed the water. I made sure Noah was snug in his bed. He's been waking really early lately.. and messing up any chances of me sleeping late! He actually wanted a snack and I happily obliged. Anything to keep him sleeping more soundly once the snack was over. And snug as a bug I was, by 7.

That rainy sleep is really the best. Cuddling with your dog and a body pillow isn't bad either. But at some point I awoke to the wind and rain beating against our sliding doors. We sleep on the second floor, facing the Banana River, and our room opens up to a balcony overlooking the water. The rain hitting the doors isn't really anything new. Every single time there is a strong storm, isolated or part of a front moving through, the wind can get pretty intense. So I just thought..well, that's a strong one.. and tried to squeeze my pillow, thanks for that Santa, tighter. But some little alarm bells started going off in my head when the strong wind got louder, the water hitting the doors harder. I could also hear our chairs on the balcony scooting around in the wind, not too unusual for bad weather. The vertical blinds were shut tight. They are closed about half the time or less. I do enjoy waking up to the water view. So I couldn't see out that morning. As the rumbling wind grew increasingly louder I jumped out of bed and peaked out the blinds, just as I was starting to realize the rumbling was more than wind, not quite as dynamic as thunder and getting quite loud. And the windows were now shuddering roughly. My view was not exactly a view. The only thing I could see was white water flying sideways in the air, and I could see absolutely nothing past the rail of the balcony.

Insert thoughts of Holy Crap; It couldn't be that; I have to get Noah; Laundry room; TV; Laptop; Phone; My neighbors!

Noah was awake when I burst into his room and scooped him out of bed. He seemed kind of confused about all the noise outside. I ran downstairs with him in my arms and plopped him down in the laundry room floor, which is under the stairs. I think that was the peak of it, when we were going down the stairs. There was certainly a roaring train sound, and all the windows were almost violently shaking. It's probably good the blinds were closed or I might have had some wet carpet to clean. I had a distinct feeling that we should already be there and a kind of fear that the huge living room windows would break. After making sure Noah knew not to move, I went to the couch to get my laptop and ~surprise~ my cell phone was right there! I tried to turn on the tv and get it to right channel. Darn you 4 digit fancy tv! My fingers, though they tried their hardest just could not push the right numbers. Lifetime, NO. TBS, Come ON. I gave up on the local weather channel and tried to press two simple numbers for the Weather Channel. And still no luck. Of course, I didn't need a pretty guy in a suit to tell me what had just rolled by my house. By that time the rumbling had died down. I mean.. the whole thing was maybe 1 minute long.

I tried calling John 2 times and my next door neighbor too. I think she was trying to call me simultaneously! John ended up texting me back. He was in the middle of that official breakfast thing. My text to him was legible I think. Something like tornado, no broken windows, we're fine, everything on the patio gone. Typos and double letters included. Stupid freaked out fingers. How did he not know something HUGE had just happened? He was only a mile or two away!

I figured that we were on the edge of a big tornado. After finally getting the weather on the tv, I saw that one has just exited Cocoa Beach, the town adjacent to the base to the north, and the tornado was over the ocean. I thought, if it's this bad here, what's it like there? Oh my! As it turns out, it was a small one. And we took a nearly direct hit.

The contents of our patio flew across our end of the base. Some of it went all the way across the highway and to the beach. John came home. The neighbors and us cleaned up everyone's patio chairs and toys and things like that. Housing came out and did work on my roof later. But no one seemed to think it was that big of a deal..all nonchalant about it. Everyone except my next door neighbor Chris. I'm sure she and I have both had our random emotional moments in the last two days.

There was big news where the tornado started on the mainland. But not as much about where it ended, and barely a word mentioned about the base. Maybe partly because anything that happens on base comes out through Public Affairs and not regular media outlets.

So after some investigative journalism of my own, thank you college degree, I found the radar image of the tornado and the path. Oh thank you NOAA also. Weather gods you are.

And here is my theory. I think the tornado was still weak when it got here, but when it made it's last jog across the Banana River it picked up a ton of water, like a water spout. But a tornado-strong water spout. And that's all the white that I saw.

I didn't feel really *affected* the day of the event. I guess there was still adrenaline and wonder and awe. But yesterday..oh goodness. I went garage sale hopping, which is a Friday event for me. But my Friday was interrupted.. And life was normal for everyone! I wanted to tell everyone that I had survived a tornado! Look and hear! This is what it's like. But I stayed quiet and disconnected. Even when I heard mentions of the storm. It's one of those things, you feel like something is lost in the retelling. Some of it's truth. Some of it's reality. You just cannot explain accurately enough for someone to really get it, if they weren't there. Even my own husband.. And it just started making me feel sad and weird. Additionally, I got to thinking about how SUCKY it is that there was absolutely no warning for the base. We live far from the speakers that relay messages from the command post. They also do siren warnings and play revelry and the Star Spangled Banner at different times during the day. So we wouldn't have heard it if there was a warning. Which is angering in itself. But also there just was no warning. I mean.. does my end of the neighborhood not count? I know we're practically off base, but we are within the walls.

To be fair and accurate, this tornado lived affected the area for 10 minutes total. That isn't very long. But we do have weather people who are supposed to be on top of it.

And finally, ranting aside, here is a map of the path of the tornado. Seeing that red line is validating and terrifying.

Lesson Learned: I'm not as strong as I thought. And I do get frazzled in emergencies. All my end of the world books have been only slightly helpful :)

Much needed update

2010-01-07T14:26:00.004-05:00

I'm having a girl! And so far, I've had the best time shopping for her :) Bargain shopping too. I am madly in love with kid consignment stores and the lucky few good garage sales. I have found some simply amazing deals.

We went to Louisiana for Christmas, and I got my crawfish fix! 4 times. Though only 2 were BOILED crawfish. John's mom makes a mean crawfish pie, and I also bought some boudin from Don's by the interstate in Lafayette. I got my boiled crawfish from a place in Denham Springs, close to where you turn to go to Central. And I highly recommend it :) But I don't know the name.

So.. names.. hm. I don't know! I would like to keep it a secret for fun. But I'm bad at exciting secrets. And you have to have a winner anyway. Which we don't. My favorite is Magnolia. Not sure how John likes it. But it's probably growing on him as I type this :) John likes Cherie, with the accent. How do you type that? My old middle name, which resides in middle name heaven, is Sherie. And we are leaning and looking for something french-y/louisiana-y/has some history/etc.

We'll see.

Got some almost fancy photo editing software and took pics of my neighbor's kids before Christmas. So fun :) I need to find more subjects.

Life is good. Counting my blessings.

Ultrasound in a couple of hours~ (with update)

2009-10-26T07:53:00.005-04:00

Nervous! excited~ and nervous again! eeeeeeee. I get my first ultrasound today. John is going with me. It'll be his first time in the building, which is practically an island and so cool. You can see the ocean and it's surrounded by inter-coastal waterway.

Gosh. I'm nervous. I know you aren't supposed to be pessimistic, but I'm just fully aware of problems that are possible. I'm really not a debbie downer. I just don't want to be blindly optimistic either. I didn't know this early with Noah b/c of my irregular periods. So this is all new to me.

So happy thoughts. rational happy ones.

Alright..well I gotta go shave my legs. This is a vaginal ultrasound. :/ woo. haha.

Will update later~!~!~!~

Update: Good news! heathy, kinda wiggly little mini baby with a heart rate of 174 bpm.
The ultrasound tech didn't have to do the internal u/s. We got a good look from the outside. And I got to hear the heartbeat! So it's only one. I guess that's a relief, but I would have been plenty pleased with twins :) We could get a bigger house on base if we have 3 kids ;-) But two will do! It was a really cool experience. John is excited, and I am relieved! It's definitely real now :) My "technical" due date is June 2, based on my last period. But the baby is measuring 2 days smaller b/c I ovulated 2 days "late"....but my due date with the doctor will remain June 2. Silly I think. It should be June 4. But you know babies never make a scheduled entrance. So whatever, It'll be a nice birthday present (june 3) regardless!

Dreaming

2009-10-21T09:51:00.002-04:00

Today is my first appointment! But the not so exciting part is that I won't get an ultrasound yet. I have to schedule it today. Hopefully this week! And I think all this waiting is finally getting to me... I've been kind of melancholy for the last couple of days. Maybe it's my rebellion against laundry. But also I've been queasy a lot. Not quite nauseous, but enough to feel uneasy. I do get kind of depressed when I'm sick. So maybe it's just a touch of that. I'm so nervous too. I just want good news, ya know. Only time will tell. And I guess I'd better get used to all this waiting. But I'm thinking of getting a doppler heart listener when I'm farther along. I'd probably be obsessive though..so I don't know if that's a great idea.

We went to Disney World last week! It was perfect. HOT. But perfect. I was really scared that it would be hella crowded. Because when we arrived and parked, I was in the same parking lot as my previous visit (when it was terribly crowded). We got in the park..finally. Gosh tickets, monorail.. bag line.. walk through turny thing with the fingerprinting! Big brother big brother... Anyway, we walked in, me stressing about the crowd. And we went right to Tomorrowland to Buzz Lightyear. And there was no line! I mean.. it was amazing. And except for Fantasy Land..which is where Peter Pan, It's a Small World, Winnie the Pooh, and Dumbo are it was pretty crowd free all day! I guess the park wasn't deserted or anything, but it was definitely comfortable. Which is magical all by itself! And my little Noah.. is not so little. He was tall enough for Splash Mountain!! And he loved it. We all rode it, I figured since it's not rough, I'd be safe. If I was actually showing I wouldn't have gone on it.

That was the first time that John and I have been to Disney together. And that was special for us :) I was so happy that John had a great time! The best part is, we still have 4 more times to go before Christmas! It will be a bit of a challenge to fit it in though. He's going away for a week in November. And then 2 weeks in December. I'm really excited about Epcot.

Oh~ I'm learning how to knit! I'm making a gender neutral LSU blanket.. I think.. haha. It seems like a lot of work. But it'll be worth it. I told John this is how I can prove my craftiness. And if I complete this, then I've earned the right to get a sewing machine.

Alright..well I think I might go get a pedicure to ease my anxiety about my appt today ;) It's not even the ultrasound! I guess just going to the office makes this a little more real.

I think my husband is allergic to wedding rings..

2009-09-30T15:37:00.002-04:00

Well, John just got his THIRD wedding ring today. That's right. number 3. Number one was a wide plain white gold band bought from a kiosk in the mall for about $80. That's the original wedding band.

#1 is now at the bottom of the Banana River, the waterway just out our back door. He was fishing on the dock and got fish goo/slime/slipperiness all over his hands. The ring just slipped right off. So he says ;)

#2 was a cool titanium $40 ring from walmart. We got that before he went away to his 6 weeks of training several months ago. John's been playing in a football league with a couple of games a week for the last 2 months. Well.. of course he takes it off. and loses it. somewhere. where? Nobody knows.

#3, which I purchased today, is also a cool $40 titanium band from walmart. I love those.. I want a new one too! Anyway..and he's flying to Louisiana tomorrow. He's in a friend's wedding in Shreveport this weekend. So I just can't let him travel without "married" plastered on his hand! I dropped off some jambalaya to him today for potluck at his job. I rolled down the window to pass along the dish and said.......but first. John David Gillard, (hand with ring box extends out car window) will you stay married to me? He said yes! It was sweet :) Now my territory is officially marked again..haha.

Of course I'm pleased with my dainty ring. I just sure do like the hip looking ones. Maybe I should go find some fish goo and walk really close to the water.

tiny, itty bitty, teensy weensy, microscopic news

2009-09-23T12:35:00.002-04:00

Well, here you go. I'm not sure how many people actually read my blog? I updated my previous entry yesterday. But alas! Today is a new day~ Next Stop on the Gillard Train. Prayers welcome. And for now this is not Facebook news. For a while actually.

I just can't help but blog about it a little! There, that's a little. I am so happy. So nervous too. Comparing this to a movie theater experience, the previews aren't even playing yet. It's just trivia time.

Sickness stresses me out and gives me cabin fever BAD.

2009-09-16T15:14:00.005-04:00

Noah is finally back in school and looking illness free for now. Yayyyy. But I'm wary about bringing him anywhere now.

So to catch up, the second or third week of preschool he got Salmonella...jeez. Of all things. It's one of those things that gets reported to public health. I have no clue where he got it. But of course I feared it was my fault.. but who knows. There is a LOT of bird poo on the doc. From big people sized birds. And salmonella has been found in poo that was 5 years old. Could have been from the millions of lizards and frogs we have around the house. Mostly outside..mostly. So I had to provide a stool sample...which... is gross. He had a fever that never stopped spiking. Tylenol--103--Motrin--103--Tylenol--103...etc. And he said it felt like there was a T-Rex in his tummy. Isn't that the cutest way to describe it? Antibiotics are a mom's best friend in situations like this.
And THEN.. Labor Day weekend he got Croup. Fever again for a few days. This time is was more 101/102. He completely lost his voice. Brought him to the doctor again that week and was really hoping people there didn't think I was one of those psycho moms who gives illnesses to their kids. Isn't that what happened in that movie Unbreakable...oh ..no it was The Sixth Sense. Someone poisoned the child for attention. Anyway, being in the office that many times in 3 weeks wasn't fun. And you can't really treat croup unless you are having trouble breathing at the moment you see the doctor, you just stick your head in the freezer if the coughing is out of control at home or go to the ER if it gets serious. We are still using the cool mist humidifier. But it's gone now! And he is back to school. And I am very relieved. I'm still nervous about the H1N1 flu. I think he probably got croup b/c his immune system was still crappy from the salmonella. But the school is pretty crazy with the hand washing. Parents are required to use hand sanitizer before signing in and out. Pretty cool.

The base is in the middle of a big exercise. practicing anti-terrorism stuff. John has a pretty nifty role to play during these things. He gets to be around the really important people. I'm so darn proud of him!!! Anyway..he got called in on Saturday and Sunday and has been working from 6 to 6 every day this week. So he's beat. And he needs a haircut.

My neighbor across the street does those Passion "Slumber" Parties. And I've never been to a party like that. It was fun! and that's all I've got to say about that..

So, I know last month I was pretty certain that I ovulated using soy isoflavones. But.... I totally did not. And I'm kind of mad at myself for getting so excited about all those prospective symptoms. However, this month I took clomid and have been charting my temperatures on a couple of different programs. I have a clear thermal shift for 5 days ago! http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/280a7f And combined with a few other tell-tale signs, I'm very confident. I'm getting a blood test done on Friday to see what my progesterone levels are. Those are only an indication of ovulation, not pregnancy. So I'll just have to wait a weekish after that to take a pregnancy test. I refuse to buy any right now, because I'll surely waste them too early. No self control. If I am pregnant, the due date would be around June 2. June 3 is MY birthday. So that would be cool :)

Tomorrow I'm babysitting my neighbor's little boy. I get a taste of what 2 kids at once is like. I'm kinda nervous!
(September 22~Edited to add : I have GREAT news on my chart!! It's blood test official, but we aren't broadcasting to facebook or anything, not for a couple of months. So if you read this don't put anything on my wall! haha.. I actually took off the blog link a week ago in anticipation of good news. And it is extremely early. So we are being cautiously optimistic. ...but...I should have another mouth to feed in the beginning of June!)

Testing..photo..thanks :)

2009-09-10T08:44:00.003-04:00

Ok.. these are ovulation tests. If anyone happens to know more about this than me, do you think I missed my surge on CD14 @10a.m.? I think so. hope so. dunnooooo...err.

UPDATE: I took more tests (not pictured) on cd16 that were darker than the previous dark ones. And turns out the chart says I ovulated on cd 17 .

All's quiet. All alone.

2009-08-19T11:11:00.002-04:00

My big huge kid, who is 4 and a grown-up--according to him b/c he's 4, is away at preschool. Day 3. It's really not such a big deal. I DID almost cry when I was pulling out of the parking lot on Day 1. But really it's just 3 hours a day. That's not bad. It's not too much. But next year.. oh goodness. just next year. He really will be a grown up.

I've been thinking about next year. And I've encountered a lot of people who are homeschooling their children. And they are great ladies. I mean. Really awesome Godly women and great to be around. A model of motherhood (from my perspective) and really dedicated to their mom jobs. And I've been thinking about it. how fun it would be to have your very own schedule. and how I could get a Disney pass and go in the middle of the week! ;) And how home school would be stability in our moving military life. But i also think of how Noah seems to rebel for ME and not strangers/teachers. How he's getting defiant. And how silly he is when it's TIME TO GET DRESSED AND LEAVE. And I'm sorta a.d.d. And how I think i would get cabin fever. Maybe I wouldn't even know what to teach. (although I know there are great resources I could find) I mean, I'd really have to get my act together. Anyway, it's been on my mind. Could I, would I, would I like it?

Under some circumstances, I would have to... like.. a crazy flu causing all schools to be closed. Yes I think about that stuff a lot. And you know.. I think what it really is, is that I feel like women who home school their children are showing their love in a very deliberate and heightened way. Ah hah. I have figured out my outlook on this. It's the same way I feel about stay at home moms, which I wasn't for a while. It's a sacrifice you make... financially or otherwise.. to be with your child. And I sure felt a lot of guilt for working. Although it's what we had to do at the time. And if I just send my child on a bus to a school all day, I might feel like there's MORE I should be doing, as a mother. More mothering, more guidance. But at the same time, I'm not so sure that I'd even be good at it or enjoy it. So I have no plans to home school. Just a ton of respect and admiration for those that do. And I kind of can't get it off my mind.
And then what if we have a baby soon? I don't think I could do both..

Speaking of babies. I'm clueless about my innards. Taking provera to start my period after numerous negative pregnancy tests. I'm on CD 40 and 20 dpo. I hate not working. Hate it. Bright side: I start clomid as soon as my new cycle begins.

I do believe

2009-08-08T16:16:00.005-04:00

I do believe I ovulated!! And I'm currently 9 days post ovulation. Had a lot of cramping the past few days. Implantation perhaps?? I can certainly hope! Hope and dissect and wonder and plead and scrutinize and fear and hope some more and obsess. Yes. That's what I've been doing. But I figure this is my first cycle charting and really taking note. (But we have not been preventing for about 2 years, the que sera sera method) So I'm allowed to indulge a little. Now, if all this attention on my part has been for naught.. well.. I might do it again and again and even again. But I'll probably mellow out a lot if I get my hopes up every month only to have them crushed.

But for now, for me, just ovulating is a triumph. Maybe it's the metformin finally kicking in or the documented 10 lbs that made a magic exit from my body these last few months. Maybe it's even the soy isoflavones that I took "just like clomid" in the beginning of my cycle. But I will not be devastated if I start my period this week. Bummed. yes. But it would be a relief to have my lady pipes doing what they were made to do!

I have the ~best idea ever~ for telling John if and when I get pregnant. I'll save it though :)

Noah is fevery today :((( I hope he feels better soon. And he just woke up from his nap. gotta go see.

Are there any eggs in this chicken?

2009-07-21T10:40:00.004-04:00

So.. I'm just sitting around.. waiting to see if I ovulate. I'm not on clomid yet. That's next month. However, I did take some soy isoflavones for 5 days in the beginning of this cycle, which was a provera-induced cycle. I'm on cd 11. We shall see! I was crazy emotional yesterday. Don't know if that's a good sign. What's does it feel like to be reproductively normal? I don't know. I'm looking into every anomaly. Good thing there are places on the internet like babycenter.
So ~I'll be happy to have a baby any time. But.. if I had an April baby, it would complete a sequence of months that involve b-days/anniversaries.

March-John's bday
April-_________
May-Anniversary
June-my bday
July-Noah's b-day.

So pray for my ovaries, you see how cool that would be. Maybe especially my left one? It could just be gas.. but I have an anomalaic feeling down there! (pretty sure that's not a real word)

In other news Mom and Dad are coming in town tomorrow! I'm growing more and more excited. I had just been stressed out about getting the house in a "parent approved" state. But ehh.. it'll get done at the last minute. Like always. And it'll be fine. I bought half of the grocery store yesterday. I'm really a fly by the seat of my pants meal planner. Run to the grocery store at 4:30. But 5 stomachs require more planning.

We are going to have a bowling birthday party for Noah. He loves it. I'm awesome. Way better than John. I orded an Ice Age cake. Me and Noah went and saw that movie last week. And gosh darn it I almost cried with the Mammoth had a baby. I got all misty eyed.

ok.. I must..go..clean..my.. house..now..

wet towels = no shower!

2009-07-09T10:09:00.006-04:00

So I'm just waiting to take a shower. I'm gross. Go, dryer, go. After that, I'll peel Noah away from Dora and Diego long enough to sucker him into the car. Then off to the commissary we go. (grocery store on base) And I really wanted to be gone long before now, because it's supposed to rain again today. A lot I think. It really has been beautifully stormy in the afternoons. I get such a great view from my patio! But someone got struck by lightening down the beach from us. and died. Really sad. Someone on a vacation with his family. How sad is that?? Man.. The lightening is pretty fierce. Dangerous.
Which reminds me of a couple of great photos I got of it the other night.
There was a distant storm. I set the shutter at 30 seconds. I am amazed at the power of a tripod! Unbelievable.

Hopefully I'll be having a baby next year! I'm starting clomid next month. Crazy. Crazy. I'd be ok with twins. There is just a slightly higher chance of those. But it may not work at all..... ahhh.. so we will just see. I've lost a few pounds with metformin and a lower GI diet. (glycemic index) This week I'm kind of struggling. I'm craving sweets. I know why though--we went out of town and I stopped the metformin for a couple of days. It can cause a little tummy trouble. And well, that would be a big hassle out of town. So now I'm paying the price. It's not as strong in my system and not combating the insulin thing. I was doing really well. And I'd also started an interval running program. I'm getting back to that. It feels really good to sort of take charge of my body again. Especially since I now know that I CAN take it back. It's something I felt very helpless about before. And self-loathing about. But it wasn't *just* my conscious decisions. It was bad wiring.

So... ok. I think it's ok to throw out some baby names now! Since I'm being optimistic :)
These all happen to be for girls. Though I don't know WHAT I'd do with a dramatic emotional little person. :)
Magnolia
Maple
Azalea
Shelby
Leigh
Julianna
Sunnie

Hopefully I don't need all those names ;) But Kate (with 8 and no Jon) has PCOS too! I think she used injectibles though.

Ok. ready or not. I'm taking a shower. damp towel is better than no towel.

John is coming HOME today!!

2009-05-15T14:44:00.002-04:00

It has been 6 long weeks since I had my husband at home. He was away at training, and I did get to go to Louisiana and spend a chunk of time there. It was really nice. And I'm not quite sure when we'll be heading back :(

The drive isn't bad when it's split into 6 hour days. I discovered that I really like Gainesville, Gator country. It's so hilly! It's like Florida mountains. It would be fun to live there and show off all our LSU paraphernalia. But that's a future daydream and not worth the effort right now!

So I came home to this house a few days ago. And I surely left it cleaner than this! I remember rushing to make sure the kitchen was bug target free. But maybe I left other things in disarray. Ah.. well. I've learned recently that I have historically felt a lot of pressure to be neat. And I felt like I was a bad person for not living up to that standard. But I'm ok! It doesn't have to be a condemnation of my character because I have trouble keeping my car clean or whatever.

I'm getting baby fever pretty bad. Just thought I'd say it. Pray for my ovaries.

Lightening the load

2009-04-03T21:37:00.003-04:00

(Us at the shuttle landing)

Well, I'm here in my messy living room with the beautiful view. It's dark so I can't see it. John, Noah and I just watched a rocket launch about an hour ago. Kennedy Space Center is about 10 miles or so north, and we have a great view from the back of our house. Tonight we got out on the balcony and watched. We have been soo lucky to see a couple of rockets go up and the shuttle go up and back down. This was such a dream of mine. I never anticipated that I would get to see a whole bunch of hunks of metal get shot into space. I just hoped to see at least a shuttle. And John's first assignment is here. Lucky is an understatement.

Speaking of John, he's LEAVING on Sunday. He'll be at school for 6 weeks. We'll be here and then Louisiana for a while. And then back here. Hopefully we'll also have a clean house by the time John gets home. I want a clean house about as much as I wanted to see a shuttle launch. Anyway, John will be gone for longer than he was in officer training. This should be easier. But it'll probably still be tough on Noah. He doesn't get why he has to talk to daddy on the phone instead of in person. But there is so much fun stuff to do around here to keep us busy, besides cleaning the house. (which, btw, seems like 1 step forward, 2 back)

I think moving here is one of the best things I've ever been able to do in my life. Hopefully this never happens though. --http://www.floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2009904030318--
I am so content. It's beautiful and sunny. I am so stress free compared to 2 months ago. We've sold our house in Sugar Land. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm a good teacher. Our bills and debt are minimal. In base housing, we don't even worry about utilities. I'm so fortunate. And I just feel kind of saturated in goodness. Not all is perfect though! My house is a wreck, for example. And I'm not hating on the people who live here, but ... well I'll leave it at that.

My goals right now:

A) Enjoy my time with Noah. I love staying home with him. Even if I wanted a job here, the school districts are in a really bad place, financially--laying people off and cutting school days. I am just having so much fun with Noah. We go to garage sales together. We get googly eyed at puppies at pet stores together. We poorly paint furniture while doing "restoration" and go grocery shopping. We watch the airplanes and sit in the hammock and read about dinosaurs. This is so much better than his first year, when I stayed home. Maybe it's my maturity or his or the environment. But I love it. And I'm grateful.

B) Get fit. Oh my, how I miss my college rowing days and my skinny self. But life happened. PCOS happened. Houston happened. No excuses. But here I am. I did get a rowing boat. (my dad is going to build the missing ingredient part that's missing, and I should be on the water soon) And I'm bringing Noah to a home daycare on base for a few hours each week so I can go to the wellness center, which has awesome classes and tvs on the treadmills. I also have discovered a "couch to 5k" ipod running program. We recently got an ipod, such an upgrade from the shuffle! So here's a toast to the new me. -clink-

C) Have a neat, welcoming home.

D) Get rowing! By the time Noah goes to preschool, I hope to NOT be a rusty rower anymore. And I'll be able to go out on the water regularly, since I'll be Noah-less regularly each morning. I went out once in my new old boat, and it was rough! I'm not good at it right now.

E) Have a baby again. Just one will do. I need to hurry up and start seeing an endocrinologist around here.

Well I guess that's a solid life update.

Days like these

2009-03-19T09:43:00.002-04:00

Welcome to my new blog! And welcome to my "new" life as well. I'm still me, of course, but the scenery of my life sure has changed a lot in 3 months. I've gone from TAKS prep stress to wariness about jellyfish, horseshoe crabs, snakes and my patio plant survival.