All's quiet. All alone.

My big huge kid, who is 4 and a grown-up--according to him b/c he's 4, is away at preschool. Day 3. It's really not such a big deal. I DID almost cry when I was pulling out of the parking lot on Day 1. But really it's just 3 hours a day. That's not bad. It's not too much. But next year.. oh goodness. just next year. He really will be a grown up.

I've been thinking about next year. And I've encountered a lot of people who are homeschooling their children. And they are great ladies. I mean. Really awesome Godly women and great to be around. A model of motherhood (from my perspective) and really dedicated to their mom jobs. And I've been thinking about it. how fun it would be to have your very own schedule. and how I could get a Disney pass and go in the middle of the week! ;) And how home school would be stability in our moving military life. But i also think of how Noah seems to rebel for ME and not strangers/teachers. How he's getting defiant. And how silly he is when it's TIME TO GET DRESSED AND LEAVE. And I'm sorta a.d.d. And how I think i would get cabin fever. Maybe I wouldn't even know what to teach. (although I know there are great resources I could find) I mean, I'd really have to get my act together. Anyway, it's been on my mind. Could I, would I, would I like it?

Under some circumstances, I would have to... like.. a crazy flu causing all schools to be closed. Yes I think about that stuff a lot. And you know.. I think what it really is, is that I feel like women who home school their children are showing their love in a very deliberate and heightened way. Ah hah. I have figured out my outlook on this. It's the same way I feel about stay at home moms, which I wasn't for a while. It's a sacrifice you make... financially or otherwise.. to be with your child. And I sure felt a lot of guilt for working. Although it's what we had to do at the time. And if I just send my child on a bus to a school all day, I might feel like there's MORE I should be doing, as a mother. More mothering, more guidance. But at the same time, I'm not so sure that I'd even be good at it or enjoy it. So I have no plans to home school. Just a ton of respect and admiration for those that do. And I kind of can't get it off my mind.
And then what if we have a baby soon? I don't think I could do both..

Speaking of babies. I'm clueless about my innards. Taking provera to start my period after numerous negative pregnancy tests. I'm on CD 40 and 20 dpo. I hate not working. Hate it. Bright side: I start clomid as soon as my new cycle begins.

I do believe

I do believe I ovulated!! And I'm currently 9 days post ovulation. Had a lot of cramping the past few days. Implantation perhaps?? I can certainly hope! Hope and dissect and wonder and plead and scrutinize and fear and hope some more and obsess. Yes. That's what I've been doing. But I figure this is my first cycle charting and really taking note. (But we have not been preventing for about 2 years, the que sera sera method) So I'm allowed to indulge a little. Now, if all this attention on my part has been for naught.. well.. I might do it again and again and even again. But I'll probably mellow out a lot if I get my hopes up every month only to have them crushed.

But for now, for me, just ovulating is a triumph. Maybe it's the metformin finally kicking in or the documented 10 lbs that made a magic exit from my body these last few months. Maybe it's even the soy isoflavones that I took "just like clomid" in the beginning of my cycle. But I will not be devastated if I start my period this week. Bummed. yes. But it would be a relief to have my lady pipes doing what they were made to do!

I have the ~best idea ever~ for telling John if and when I get pregnant. I'll save it though :)

Noah is fevery today :((( I hope he feels better soon. And he just woke up from his nap. gotta go see.